My husband and I celebrated our 7th year of
marriage a few weeks ago. I can say without doubt that we are more in love now
than we were 7 years ago, or three years ago, or yesterday. Or even 12 years
ago when we first started dating. We have not had an easy time of marriage.
There have been plenty of tears, fights, and long hours of prayer. In fact, in
those 5+ years we dated before getting married, there were plenty of arguments
with God about whether this whole thing was really going to work out. He
assured me that it was His plan for us to marry, and so we did. We both entered
marriage with some preconceived ideas about what marriage was. I absolutely
believed it was a fairy tale. My husband would adore me. I would serve him
dinner and he would praise my cooking. We would spend every second together,
holding hands, talking about our dreams. In love. My husband had the idea that
marriage meant freedom. No longer living with parents, hanging out with his
friends all night, don’t have to answer to nobody, freedom. You can see that
our visions of marriage were very different! He was dying to hang out with his
friends and work on engines all night, I was dying to go for walks and watch
movies cuddled as close as possible all night. I wanted to lay out his clothes,
and serve him dinner, and talk about his day. He wanted to do his own thing,
his own way, in his own time frame, without someone asking a million questions.
It took us nearly 4 years to work out all these kinks! Having children helped
me to let him be his own person without trying to parent him. And he eventually
grew to appreciate my obsession with being with him constantly! I truly adore
him and he really loves that now. And he truly adores me.
We have come such a long way in these 7 years of marriage.
There are so many things we have learned along the way. Here are few things we
do every day that make our marriage not feel like work.
·
We
appreciate each other--out loud! We try to live in a state of thankfulness.
We tell each other when we are thankful for an act, a mood, a reaction, a thoughtful
gesture. It is common for my husband to say, “Thank you for cooking supper, it
was so good and I know you put a lot of love into it.” It is common for me to
say, “Thank you for changing Nature Baby’s diaper, I really appreciate it.” Or
“Thank you for working so hard for our family. I know you had a really hard day
at work and I really appreciate everything you do for us.” Telling someone out
loud when you appreciate them does so much for their attitude, self-esteem, and
character. Bonus—this spills over to the kids too! Lovey often thanks us for
many things throughout the day.
·
We are a
team. We do things together. We each do what is necessary in the daily life
of this family. We don’t keep score or say “I always have to bathe the kids,
why don’t you do it.” We each do what we are good at, what we like to do, and
some things we don’t like to do, to get everything done. When one person seems
to be overwhelmed, the other picks up more duties until that person is
refreshed and ready to take over. We do it because we love each other, and we
genuinely want each other to be happy.
·
We spend
time together. We don’t get date nights as often as we would like. We have
gone on one date since Nature Baby has been born (a year ago) that I can
remember and we took him with us. We still feel connected and it is because we
make spending time together intentional, even if it isn’t just us. We go for a
walk as a family nearly every evening. The kids are happily strapped in the
wagon, and we get to walk side by side and talk and laugh, and enjoy nature and
each other. Even in busy weeks, where we don’t seem to get time to talk as much
as we’d like, we make a point to check in with each other. Whether it is a
phone call during my husband’s lunch break, or a kiss while passing in the
kitchen, we make an intentional connection.
·
We fight
fairly. We don’t argue a ton (we did plenty of that in the first few years
of our marriage), but when we do disagree, we do it gently, while considering
the other’s view. We try to see the other person’s view point and take into
consideration what that person is feeling, thinking, and believing. We
understand each other, our hearts, and our goals for this family. When emotions
rise, tempers flare, and hormones surge, we don’t resort to ugly fighting, name
calling, badgering, or abuse. We consider the other person, the impact our
words might have long term, and we try to be diplomatic. When we know we have
crossed a line, we apologize. Being honest, I’m not really a fighter. I tend to
stop talking cold turkey and walk the other way. I get so worked up about the
possibility of hurting the others person’s feelings that I tend to not say
anything, even if it would be helpful to the situation. I often have to come
back and say calmly what I feel caused the argument and what would help change
it. My husband will admit that he is quicker to anger. He tends to say first,
then think on it, then return to apologize. He is very diligent in apologizing
and is always sincere. But he will also tell you that I am known to say “It’s
better to not say something you’ll have to regret later, than to say it and
have to apologize.” Admittedly, I might say this as a defense to why I don’t
like to argue, but it is still true. I have come a long way in learning to be a
peacemaker not just a peacekeeper. In case you aren’t sure the difference, a
peacekeeper does anything to keep peace, even if it means not talking through
situations that need to change. A peacemaker does the work of navigating
through the situation, the feelings, and beliefs, to bring change and
reconciliation. My husband has come a long way in managing anger and not
reacting too harshly or quickly.
·
We trust
each other. We trust that the other person has our best interest, and the
interest of the family at heart. When my husband is considering a work related
change, I trust that he knows what is best for our family and will make the
decision that makes sense for all of us. When considering a parenting decision,
my husband trusts that I know our children’s hearts, what works best for
each of them, and can help guide them in a way that honors the whole family. I
trust my husband with my feelings and he trusts me with his wallet. (If this were a status update, you would be reading LOL here.)
·
We
remember Who is the center of our relationship. As Christians, we believe
that God is the center of our relationship. He is the center of our family. We
keep in close relationship with Him and we grow closer together. We pray for
each other daily. We know that God has a plan for our lives and we work toward
that plan by praying, studying, and seeking his will. When I wake up early
enough, I catch my husband kneeling beside the couch praying for us. It makes a
difference in a marriage, and a family, when you pray for one another.
·
We don’t
give up. We recognize that our marriage has extreme value. We have extreme
value. We won’t let some trivial thing end what God has created. We will not
let anything cause us to entertain thoughts of divorce. We do everything
possible to reconcile. Even in the really rough years of our marriage, when we
questioned everything, we knew this would not be a marriage that ends in
divorce. We love each other. We value each other. And we won’t give up. We
understand that marriages do not begin with the thoughts of future divorce.
Many people find themselves holding divorce papers that they never anticipated.
We are intentional about not letting anything separate us in mind or in heart.
We are quick to reconcile, quick to forgive, and quick to pray. We have to talk
about the hard stuff—the stuff that we carry into this marriage from long
before we knew each other. We (have to) trust each other. And we trust that God
put us together for a purpose, and for always.
